Oh what clarity can do to calm.

It's been a rough 48 hrs. And that's a complete understatement. While I'm sure my breakdowns and crying fits are far from over, I feel better that Jake and I now have a direction and have been given some clarity.

Yesterday we went to the temple and had a beautiful experience. It gave us confirmation and peace that if #2 is the birth father, then the decision to not fight for Leila in court would be the right one. I'll admit a part of me feelings like it's dying as I write those words but I know that it will be fine in the end. Yesterday, I found myself learning more about the law of consecration--the giving of all we have, not only our time and talents but all that we have been blessed with--and Leila is a part of that. I have been blessed with much and there is no doubt that my kids are my greatest blessing beside that of my husband. I don't know what the Lord has planned for Leila but both Jake and I got the impression that if it be His will for her to leave our home, it is because He has a purpose for her to fulfill that we just can't see or comprehend at this moment. We also understand that how we react to the birth parents could very likely impact and/or taint the positive experience her birth mother has had and possibly the experience the birth father will have, with their contact with the Church. We don't know Leila's full potential, nor her strength but feel that she will be a beacon of light. She has been to us. We have learned so much from having her in our home. The patience and love and truly seeking the Lord's help definitely increased with having 3 kids under the age of 3! I know it may seem unfathomable that we will not fight and believe me it feels like I'm fighting my very motherly nature not too, but we really feel that this is a true test of relying on the Lord's will rather than my own. I've never been very good at that and this is definitely a BIG test.

But while in the temple I also had a moment of clarity and understanding of how the Lord must have felt when a 1/3 of his children went astray and how he must feel daily when we choose not to fulfill our potential. We are on this earth to learn and grow and we do that by building up His kingdom, being examples to those around us. While I am very possessive of my children, they are in reality not mine but under my temporary care and responsibility to teach them and allow them to grow and do the things the Lord has planned for them. And as much as my heart aches at the idea of Leila not being in my home, if the Lord wills it, I will not deny her the opportunity to be an influence for good. Who am I to say that #2 would not be a great dad? And despite the feeling of deception by the birth mom, who are we to say that she wouldn't be a good mother? Jake and I talk all the time how amazing it is to have kids, how it stretches you, teaches you charity and unconditional love. Having Leila in their care may be exactly the lesson they need to be taught and the Lord knows that and will take care of Leila no matter what. I really do believe that we have the "child" stage put in front of us adults to remind us how to be willing and teachable and that even if there are no children in your home, you are still responsible to be an example to those around you. Children really make you think of someone other than yourself. Simple as that. The cliche, "it's like walking around with your heart on your sleeve" is completely true. Each of my kids is an extension of me and carries a piece of my heart. Leila, if she must go, will still have that piece of our hearts and will always be considered a part of our family.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble but while my heart prepares for the possibility of her leaving, I am feeling "better" now that I've had direction and clarity. I will be trying my hardest to not be bitter. We will literally grin and bear it and do all that we can to keep the relationship with Leila's birth mom friendly so that if she is to leave our home, perhaps later down the road we can be there to help her along her life journey.

Even outside of the temple I was hit twice with a realization of God's love and that this life is a test of our strength and faith and is preparing us for eternity. It is amazing how God finds way to communicate with us so clearly. I've always been touched by songs/music and on the way home yesterday I was listening to the radio and the song "The Climb" sung my Miley Cyrus came on...and while I dislike me some Miley, I could not change the station because the words were so fitting for my situation there. Thankfully the Lord also used the song "You are Loved" sung by Josh Groban on the way to the temple to prep me for what He was about to tell us...so I felt o.k. with being into the Miley Cyrus song!

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I may be doing "fine" right now but know that your prayers and thoughts and support will help me keep an even keel.